I Saw the Sign

28. You Don't owe them anything
Abby: [00:00:00] all right, welcome back to I Saw the Sign. I'm Abbey Hamble. I'm here with Fallon Jay. And this week we have, we're bringing a little, um, a little fiery energy into this episode because little Aries energy here, [00:01:00] but really what would you wait? Sorry. Would you say?
Fallon: Yes, we are.
Abby: Yeah, we are. And this one, this is something that's come up in the last few days specifically, but as we were talking about it, we were like, this feels like a really good podcast episode because it's something that it's a good lesson for all ages. Which is, um, you don't know them anything,
Fallon: Yes.
Abby: so even if somebody tries to tell you that because they did x, x, and y for you, that you need to do, you know, whatever for them.
That's a no. I'm here to tell you
Fallon: Yes. Or I did this and I did this with some sort of open ended expectation of a response. You can kindly fuck off. Like, I'm just going to bring you.
Abby: in the fire.
Fallon: the fire kindly that feels like a you problem and not a me problem. And, [00:02:00] you know, so obvious, well, maybe this isn't obvious, but Abby and I, our podcast episodes come from things that we're processing or things that we've processed in the past that we're like, Ooh, how do we navigate that?
How can we share that? And as we were talking about, you know, life as life, life's, this is what came through and. I think as well, we know as women, we're always expected to give something in return. And the conditioning is that men do something for you and you owe them something. And you actually shared a really powerful story of something that you learned in high school.
And I was like, Oh my gosh, Judy needs to be teaching all the classes at all the schools.
Abby: She does. She does. Yeah. I told Fallon, she was sharing a story, um, with me this week. And I was like, you know, the thing that really frustrates me about this whole situation is when people, you know, this was a man, a man situation, but people, men and women do this to each other all the time, which is [00:03:00] they.
Create their own assumptions and expectations of what they should be receiving in return from you for giving you something and One of the things I will always remember from my relationships class in high school, and to give you a little context, my teacher, her name is Judy, and she was probably, like, now that I think about it, she seemed very old at the time, she was probably like in her 60s, but she wore her hair in this 1950s beehive that did not move, that was just like hairsprayed to the max, and
Fallon: Killing the ozone layer.
Abby: And it was like a plat.
It was like a platinum blonde beehive. It was like platinum blonde, slash like white, you know?
Fallon: I
Abby: So just picture that in your mind. But she gave me and my class the, probably the sagest advice that I've ever gotten. And I will always remember it. And she was like, [00:04:00] girls, because I think this is a class you can only take as.
So she was like, girls, you know, as you start dating and as you're, you know, having relationships, having romantic relationships with men, um, she's like, they might buy you things. They might give you things. They might do things for you and they might then expect some things in return. And, you know, she was talking about sexual things because this was a quote unquote religion class because I went to an all girls Catholic school.
And so she's like, no, no, but, um, but her advice was, or her wisdom is that regardless of what anybody. Gives you does for you. That is always their choice. It's their choice to give you a gift. And all you have to do is say thank you. If you want to, if it's something that you appreciated, you express your appreciation and you can say thank you.
And that's it. You don't have to reciprocate. [00:05:00] You don't have to feel like you need to do anything for them in return. And I remember hearing that. And being like, Oh, huh, yeah, I guess I don't need to do anything. I guess it is okay. It was like the first time that I heard that permission of you can just receive something and you can just receive it.
And that's all you don't have to earned it or worked for it or done anything to just then receive it. And you don't have to, you're not obligated to do anything after, after that. And it was such a powerful message, especially to hear in such a formative time in my life and you know, in all of these other girls lives.
And I think that it's just a lesson worth repeating today because it's not something that we all learn. It's not something that [00:06:00] I think we as women integrate until much later in life, if ever at all.
Fallon: Yeah. Yeah, because the masculine, so I'm just going to speak to her. I know women do this too, right? So the way that, I mean, we work is we have our shadow frequencies, right? The unconscious is subconscious self. That's really ultimately always searching for safety. We know that we love that. We understand that.
And also, no, you don't get to try to extract my energy to fulfill your own. And it's so imperative. That if that we watch where we're doing that to other people, but, but also, and also not buying into it when it's being potentially trying to be done toward you. And so my experience with the masculine is like, well, yeah, but you know, if I lose interest or whatever, yeah, but I did this and I did this and I did this and I did this and it's like, and thank you.
And I expressed my appreciation. When you did those things or you showed up that way and that was great and I'm [00:07:00] very grateful and I'm that's it and I wish that, you know, I'm 41. So, like, when you're talking about how women maybe don't ever integrate this, and we don't embody this until we're older or potentially ever, I really hope that this episode lands with so many women that you don't whoever it is.
You don't owe anybody. Anything for what they give to you, and it's going to be really uncomfortable to sit in the non reciprocation of what they're actually asking for, because especially if you come from a pleasing. Pattern that's going to be really difficult, but it reminds me of Amanda Francis on selling sunset when the real estate agent.
I can't remember what she said. Do you remember what the other. They really told her and I mean, I remember Amanda's answer, but.
Abby: Yeah, I think she was like, Oh, well, I sent you the real, yeah, the agent was like, I sent you all of these emails and you never responded to me or, you know, I've been [00:08:00] trying to get ahold of you and you're not responding to me. And she was like, well, I'm not required to respond to you. You know, like, like you're my, you're working for me.
I'm not working for you. You know? Yeah. And it was just like, damn, mic drop.
Fallon: Yes,
Abby: People were like, oh wow, she's being like, like they all like sat back at
Fallon: a difficult, a difficult client.
Abby: Right.
Fallon: And those of us that have been in her world, you know, like, really looking up and watching what she does and learning from her. We're all like, hell, Yes.
Abby: Mm hmm.
Fallon: doesn't do an explanation. She doesn't owe you a response. She doesn't know you should.
Abby: Right.
Fallon: Yeah, so and I am definitely more in the season of my life than I've ever been in the last year where I just. Don't have the tolerance for that stuff. The way that I used to. So my pendulum swing is real big. Maybe one day, let's go back to the middle.
Abby: you're in [00:09:00] your real IDGAF stage,
Fallon: Don't give up. Yeah. And the thing is, what's so funny about that is I deeply care about the world and about people in my world, in my world. And I'm very sensitive and I have such a soft heart, but finally, for the 1st time in my life in the last couple of years, it has really allowed me to step into this energy of this genuinely feels like a you problem.
I don't feel like I play a role here and I will own my side of the street. I will be very transparent. I will clean up my side of the street if I need to apologize. Right? And that's one thing about me is I have been more honest in the last couple of years than with myself, more importantly, but then with those around me, I mean, y'all uncomfortable honesty, the things that we, like the little white lies we usually want to tell.
Oh, not me. I'm, I'm just, I'm speaking. I'm telling on myself. That's something I do a lot as I tell on myself, but it's so powerful because then that's also why I can be like, well, Hey, yeah. I, I can't help you here in this [00:10:00] exchange. This is not, this is not my side of the street to hold. This is not my load to carry.
This is your load to carry. And so watch, we're trying to subtly pick up other people's loads because they're in their shadow state, trying to give it to you because they don't yet know how to hold themselves in the discomfort of their own truth of their own wounds.
Abby: And this is what I was thinking as you were talking of just, if you are the one, if you are the one who is. Doing something for somebody else and making assumptions of what they now owe you, then look at that and, and challenge the reasoning behind the why you are choosing to do things for somebody. Are you doing it because it feels really good to give?
Are you doing it because you want to make, you know, you want to put a smile on their face or are you doing it to receive [00:11:00] something in return?
Fallon: Yeah.
Abby: just start to look at that because here we're in a non judgment space, but it is up to you to look inward and look at that behavior. And not bring more of it into other people's lives who didn't ask for it.
Fallon: Yeah, and I want to say, like, I want to specify that. Sometimes the exchange that somebody is looking for so that you might be looking for isn't necessarily a thing. It might not be like, you give a gift and you get a gift. It is usually some sort of energy or behavior that you want out of somebody else.
So, that is what is motivating you to do something a little bit with distortion in it. With fuzziness in it. And so really watch like, well, I was thinking that then maybe they would be more interested in me or I was thinking that maybe then they would feel a little bit obligated to me. Right. And we [00:12:00] do this human.
See, this is why Abby and I like it's non judgment. It's a non judgment zone, but we will hold you accountable because we hold ourselves accountable, but also like, we're not going to judge you for it. We've done it.
Abby: Yeah. Yeah.
Fallon: We watch this stuff in ourselves.
Abby: too many times to count. Of course we've done it. We've all done it.
Fallon: Yeah. Yeah. So you get to really love on that part of you. And then always, right. Leave none of you behind, bring it to the table and be like, okay, what do you really need love? Like, what age is this version of you? What does this version of you need? What did she not get at that age? And what does she need?
Re parent her, talk to her and then put her back in the back seat and be like, all right, I'm driving now. This version is driving now. We don't need to do these things this way. And we're going to be highly uncomfortable, but you know what? We're going to be energetically clean and we're going to create even more, um, more, better, more, better relationships, right?
And friendships and, and opportunities and all of that from a cleaner frequency of your genuine [00:13:00] truth, because we hide so much of our truth because. It's scary to be fully seen that way, usually by yourself first, because then it means you've got to accept the parts of you that like, Ooh, I have operated a little bit shady, a little bit dirty.
And what'd you say?
Abby: I said a little bit messy.
Fallon: Yeah. Yeah. So just breathing into that part of you and start to really watch and then you'll start to feel in your body where others are, are operating that way as well. And you get not participate.
Abby: And I want to go back to the, you know, the name of the episode that you don't owe them anything and also they don't owe you anything.
And so if nobody owes anybody anything, then how do you want to show up? If you are just showing up to show up, then how do you want to interact with [00:14:00] people and take all of the expectations off the table and let it, let it just be really clean and open and like from the heart interactions.
Fallon: Yeah.
Abby: yeah, and see how that changes how you show up to yourself and others.
Fallon: Yeah, and it's okay to stumble your way through it, and it's okay to say in this moment, I feel like this, right? And I want to remind you all. Nobody can make you feel like anything. So when you say you make me feel, well, technically you feel the way you feel. They hit a wound. They had a response, but they can't make you feel anything.
Um, but it's okay to stumble your way through this and be like, in this moment, I feel this and then tomorrow you may feel different and you get to speak to that too. You don't have to nail it. You get to, you got like Abby said, there's, you know, as far as like operating messy, this is actually a good messy.
When you're trying to find your way to the truth of what is here. Through cutting through the noise, cutting through the [00:15:00] distortion. That kind of messiness is good. That kind of messiness is vulnerable.
Abby: And the thing that just popped up as you were talking to is, um, bringing up that this often happens a lot in friendships where you feel like you're like, you are the one maybe doing a lot to maintain that friendship and you're not getting the response that you want in return. And And so you're like, Oh, this person is a bad friend because they're not doing X, Y, and Z.
And so just like a specific example so that you can see how, okay, well, if, if they don't owe me anything, and if I just want to show up because I want to show them that I love them. And they don't have to do anything in return. And also, and you can choose to do that as many times as you want to. And if it starts to not feel good, [00:16:00] maybe you don't need that friendship, or maybe it's not the friendship that is going to support your, you know, highest.
Self or timeline or just be a really supportive person in your life, but just bringing in more of a specific example, because I've seen that in my own life so often where you start to feel kind of resentful towards people because you're like, I'm doing this or I'm doing that for them. And they're not reciprocating in the ways that I want them to reciprocate or like they never do this same thing for me. like, okay, well, if they're not. Then you get to reevaluate, you know, how you show up to that relationship and then how that in turn makes you feel.
Fallon: Yeah. Yes. And something that was shared with me, and a lot of you might know the story. You might not. I didn't know this specific Buddha story, but a really beautiful man shared this with me recently. And he was like, um, you know, Buddha's out at market or whatever, walking [00:17:00] around. And this man is. Basically antagonizing him and being really mean and angry and trying to get a rise out of him.
And then he finally couldn't get a ride us out of Buddha. And he said, why, why are you not angry with me? And he said, um, if somebody tries to give you a gift and you give it back, whose is it? And he was like, well, then it would be mine. If, if you gave it back and he was like, exactly your anger is yours.
So I don't have to, like, I don't have to carry that. I don't have to carry that resentment. I get to just give it back to you. Right. And so anytime we're carrying that, you know, that heaviness and we're expecting somebody else to somehow hold it or fix it or alchemize it. You are the alchemy. You are the shift.
You are the change. You are your healer. You are your feeler. You are all the things that you most need. And it always resides in my opinion in God. But like, draw upon that story of where you keep trying to put things outside of yourself. Again, that's like an example of giving away your power. Pull it [00:18:00] back.
And give yourself the healing balm or the medicine or whatever it is that you need to move through that,
Abby: That was a really beautiful, um, thing that you shared. And as you were talking, I started like laughing to myself because I was like, we are the healer and we are the feeler. Is there anything else that rhymes with that?
Fallon: you know, when I get in the zone, things just, things just slow.
Abby: I'm like, what else are we that rhymes with healer and feeler?
Fallon: Oh,
Abby: Those are two very, I don't know if there are any others, like none come to mind right
Fallon: no, not for me. I
Abby: But those are, are, I mean, a beautiful point though that you made and, and I think we might even be able to, um, to end it there. I feel like that was a really, a really great, like succinct point. And then also my joke at the end,[00:19:00]
Fallon: You guys, we can't forget Abby's joke at the end. She contributed something really great.
Abby: you know, being a projector, I really need to be recognized.
Fallon: We love you, Abby. You are our sage on this. But there, we do need to come up with like a cheerleader chant. We are the healer. We are the healer.
Abby: We really do.
Fallon: Oh, goodness. Well, share with us. Your own experience of maybe where you've noticed that you've tried to extract and pleasing patterns are naturally a little bit extracting. And so watching those and, you know, again, never make yourself bad or wrong, but hold yourself accountable, be devoted to your growth, be devoted to your healing.
And Abby and I are here to cheerlead you to hold the vision for you to talk with you. We have, well, I don't know if Abby's going to have spaces open because she's going to be having a baby soon. But if you want to work with me privately one on one, I've got spaces coming up, um, to work and there are six week, four month or [00:20:00] six month time together.
So, you know, reach out. We're here.
Abby: We are here.
Fallon: Yeah.
Abby: All right. Well, we love you.
Fallon: We love you. We'll see you next week.