The Real Self Love
Fallon Jaye: Alright, so Abby
and I today are talking about
Abby: self
Fallon Jaye: yeah.
Self love, which I feel like, um, I don't
know, like everyone's talking about.
, but it's also so important.
But what does it actually mean?
Yes.
And I feel like how is it, how are
the ways that we can really practice
it and how is it really relevant
versus, you know, saying we love
ourselves or going through the motions.
And so I think it's still a really
important topic, even though it's still
Abby: well, it's very, yeah.
And the other thing too that just
occurred to me as you were talking
is like so many people are talking.
Self-love and also like self-care.
And I feel like conflating those
two things and being like, oh, well,
you know, if you schedule in like a
nice bath every week and you're like
drinking a lot of water and whatever,
getting massages, then like Woo,
self-love, self-care, all of that.
And I think what's more interesting
to both you and I is all of the ways
in which self-love is like none of.
, like ooey-gooey things that feel
really good, like sometimes self-love
is giving yourself like permission
to feel really horrible and like not
beat yourself up about it, or letting
yourself sit in your feelings and
not immediately rush to make yourself
feel better or distract yourself or.
Yeah, I think there are so many ways
that we get to love ourselves and
get to choose to love ourselves that
are not necessarily what you would
hear about, I think in mainstream.
Right.
Fallon Jaye: Personal development,
. Yeah, because you know, I
mean, it's taken a long time.
I feel like, specifically for women
to give themselves permission to
do the things like the massages
and the pedicures and the hot bath.
Exactly.
Dropping into that slow
down, that feminine.
Right.
It's been a lot of work and so
I think that that's where the
self-love movement really began.
Was, Hey, give yourself
permission to take care of you.
And now you and I are really talking
about like, taking care of you actually
looks a lot different than the hot bath,
which I subscribe to basically daily,
a hotter bath, but that means nothing
if I'm unwilling to hold myself through
discomfort, through tears, through, you
know, through really looking at myself
and taking radical responsibility for.
the ways that I show up that
may not be where I want to go or
who I actually wanna be anymore.
Right.
And that is like deep self-love and
I really, I have, I have felt that
in my own life, a lot of self-love,
even in the last year, more so, has
been about doing the hard things.
Mm-hmm.
, like doing the things
that are uncomfortable.
because that is the practice
of self-love because that is me
holding myself to who I wanna be.
And it isn't all about like the
merry-go-round in rainbows and eating
the gummy bears and the ice cream
without feeling guilty about it.
Yes, that is also part of it, but
it's really meeting yourself deeper.
Um, and really excavating a lot
of who you've been and what is
what, what, what dirt in that
excavation is still serving you.
What is old and needs to be, you know?
Mm-hmm.
composted in a different way.
Um, and so I know you and I are
really passionate about, like you
said, feeling our feelings mm-hmm.
and, uh, is self-love without skipping
over and being like, oh, I gotta be
positive, or I've gotta, and putting
pressure on ourselves to be something
other than we are in that moment.
Abby: Exactly.
And.
and I was actually, so I, I had a,
a client call with a woman about
emotional eating a couple days ago,
and it inspired this post that I have
yet to post, but I wrote down Happens.
Yeah.
Which is like, what if, what if
the things that we think are our
worst habits are actually our
most radical acts of self-love?
Because.
, for example, like in this person, and I
could say for myself, like biting my nails
is always something that like bothers me.
That is like a habit.
A habit that I, I hate, you know, not,
not that I hate about myself because
obviously I've done a lot of work.
Um, but a habit that is annoying.
And for this other person, it's like,
what if you know, you, you're using
food because you, uh, when you grew up,
you were in an unstable environment.
Food was the thing that you saw, you know,
being used in celebration and for comfort
and like to grieve when things happened.
And what if by you choosing to use food in
those ways was your way of, of nurturing
yourself and your way of allowing
yourself to feel these feelings and not
necessarily just like shove them away,
but that's how you gave yourself love.
And so it's, it's like getting to
the core of these things that don't
need to be judged as bad or wrong.
They just are.
And maybe they're just not serving who you
would like to step into and that's okay.
But then that's where you kind of
get to do the work around that.
But it's, I think, learning that
we get to start at this baseline
of everything about you in this
moment is, , everything is baseline.
I don't even wanna say good because
again, I kind of hate using like
the, the good and bad or good
versus evil construct, right?
Like every, every part of us is, is okay.
We're all
Fallon Jaye: well, yeah, it's
absolutely okay because it's all,
it's all ways in which we created.
Our safety created this, this feeling.
Mm-hmm.
of I'm gonna be loved and
I'm not gonna be abandoned.
Right.
The core, the core, core wounds.
Mm-hmm.
what is all okay.
Because it is all a part of our
subconscious programming, those patterns.
Mm-hmm.
. And that is how we got
to where we are now.
And had we not had those, maybe
we wouldn't be where we're at and
maybe it would be a little bit
more dire straits or we don't know.
Right.
So I love that because it's like when we
really take the view, the perspective,
When I was a little person, a little girl,
or a little boy, this is what I learned.
This is what I taught myself or
learned from society or whatever, my
caregivers, in order to feel okay,
to feel good, to feel safe, to feel
loved, all the all the core things
that we really need, then it is okay.
When you really take that perspective
of like that little girl, your.
Learn to emotionally eat.
Yeah.
Abby: Is a possible, and if you live
in a chaotic environment and you're
trying to just figure out how to
give yourself some stability, yes.
Like all of the ways in which we learn
to keep our internal state as like
in as much homeostasis as possible.
Fallon Jaye: Right.
Acknowledging too, like
for myself, my homeostasis.
Um, living in a lot of chaos
and learning to be calm in that
and, and then recognizing now.
Right.
And part of my self-love journey has
been to recognize that I actually get
to learn a new homeostasis of it is
okay and safe to be calm and calm.
Mm-hmm.
,
Abby: you don't have to say The calm
Fallon Jaye: And the calm.
Yeah.
The calm and the call.
I'm like, I don't have to
subconsciously create a situation in.
, there's some chaos going on outside of
me, and then I'm like, okay, I'm, I can,
I'm the calm in the storm all the time.
It's like, why can't I just
be calm in the non storms too?
Mm-hmm.
, you know, so it is that self-love.
It's like, okay, well that's okay
because that was my, that was my
world for a long time growing up was.
, the chaos and the storms.
Right.
And being like, okay, I'm calm and
I'm strong in this, and now God, that
doesn't actually feel good anymore.
. Right, right.
And you know, you've been on this journey
with me and so now it's the really
deepening into I am safe with myself.
I am safe and quiet.
I am safe on the sunny days.
Mm-hmm.
not, you know, and so the, the
self-love journey is, is really so deep.
And then we can use the practices.
To really like.
I don't know, like, what's
the word I'm looking for?
Like kind of just n nurture
or hold some of that together.
So like the hot bath, right.
Or even sometimes the
cold bath, because that is
Abby: active.
Not for me, but for you.
That's great.
Yeah.
So the
Fallon Jaye: Cold Bath, you know,
I do cold baths, ice bath to help,
um, activate my nervous system and
hold myself in that activation.
Discomfort.
In the discomfort.
Yes.
And, um, breathe through that and
helps, you know, my anxiety and all.
I mean, you know, we, there's
so much, so many benefits to
it if you're called to it.
Then we get to use those practices.
My point being is to kind of
like nurture the deeper work that
we're doing, that we're doing.
Mm-hmm.
, you know, and be really soft with
ourselves through, through that process.
Because as you know, it's not all
rainbows and butterflies, but it's Right.
So beautiful on the other side.
Well, and
Abby: you get this, you get to
then choose what other ways in.
, you get to nurture yourself.
What other ways can you feel, get those
same, feel good feelings, or come back
to homeostasis or feel very at peace
and very comforted, very supported
that support the life that you then
wanna be living, moving forward.
And like everything that you're
talking about, and I know for
me, like going back to my own c.
, I was very, I was the youngest of a
lot of kids and everybody, it was very
chaotic in terms of just everybody,
you know, doing a lot of things and,
and I think my role was more of being
like the peacemaker or the one who
like was not a problem, quote unquote.
Or the one who was like, you know,
she was the easy child, you know?
And like taking pride in being easy
and then feeling like now as an.
Well, what if I'm not easy?
What happens if I have an opinion?
What happens if I have a voice
and I, you know, make some
ripples or make some waves?
And that has been a fun learning
experience for me, , especially with
my parents in the last few years.
yeah.
But, but in a way that feels
really good and feels like a, a big
stretch for me, but like now I know
how to hold myself through that.
, you know, hold myself in, in
the voice that I have and in
the boundaries I've created.
And you know, that can be a
whole other podcast on creating
boundaries, which I'm sure it will be.
Fallon Jaye: Yes.
Absolutely.
And I, I relate to you in that a lot.
Cause that's one thing my mom always
said was like, you were such an easy kid.
Mm-hmm.
, you know, it's so easy.
And part of me is like, I don't know
that I ever thought that I had a
choice to be otherwise . You know?
Like, I don't think that there
was an option for me not to be.
So I think you and I both
identify with that of like, we
were not the problem children.
And so navigating like, I might
rock the boat with my truth.
Mm-hmm.
what I'm actually feeling here and can I.
, you know, rocking the rhythm of that
as other people are feeling those
ripples, but that's their ripples
of discomfort, not mine, right?
Like, yes, I might feel like
I'm the creator of it, but am I
actually, or is their response to
the creator of the ripples, right?
And so really like watching that, watching
that big picture of this is uncomfortable.
And if I need to get my life jacket on.
In the creation or the response of
the ripples, then, then I will, you
know, whatever that means for you.
Right.
Like mine is, you know, we
both have our different ways of
really the self soothing mm-hmm.
in ways that I'm now
serving, not in the old ways.
Right?
Like, like you noticed,
like biting your nails.
I was a nail biter for way
more years of my life than not.
Um, but we do, we have all these
little ways in which we soothe
that are like, maybe that's not.
Not the greatest, but um, and I also
love that you brought up boundaries.
Cause that is such, it is, it's really
its own podcast, but that is really,
again, gonna create ripples and waves
in your life that you get to learn how
to hold yourself through the discomfort.
And the last thing I wanna say on all
of this for me, so I not just taking
up, you know, just chit-chatting the
whole time, is that reminding yourself.
that discomfort is just a feeling.
It doesn't mean anything
is actually wrong.
Mm-hmm.
. And so whenever I'm feeling that
like those changes and really that
deeper self-love and like, oh, this
is uncomfortable, this is sticky.
Somebody might be mad at me, or
whatever's feeling, it's, it's reminding
myself that it's actually not bad.
It's just mm-hmm.
uncomfortable.
Abby: Right, right, right.
And, and learning to distinguish
between those things is also.
It's own act of self-love, it's own act
of love, of just, it's so like learning
to be, you know, which again, we're
gonna talk about this I'm sure more
and more on every podcast, but like
learning to be very, um, just observing
in tune with, with your thoughts,
with your body, with your emotions,
with how everything is feeling, what
happens when you think something.
and how does it, then, how does
that emotion then live in your body?
Where does it live?
Mm-hmm.
and, and being able to kind of look
at that and, and see and feel and
understand if any of that is even real.
Like the emotion can be real.
The thought oftentimes is not real.
You know, it's like real in
the sense that you had it.
I guess real and more of the
sense of being true or untrue or
maybe true for you in the moment.
Fallon Jaye: Right?
Yeah.
And is that just.
A belief that I've held for a long
time that I've made to be true versus
is it belief that I've held for a long
time that I'm deciding maybe there
is some not truths to it that maybe,
Abby: maybe it's not all the way true.
Fallon Jaye: Yeah.
That I subscribe to this belief because
I needed to and I You don't even have
to know why you needed to, right, right.
You have to dissect the roots
of like why I needed to.
It's just okay, but now I get to
remember that beliefs are subscription.
and I can unsubscribe at any time while
holding my right, like you said, really
feeling the map within my body and
where I'm holding that belief and where
the activation is and where I need to
really like say, Hey, I see you, right?
Like, I'm so big and I
teach my daughter this too.
Well, where do you feel it in your body?
What does it.
Saying, what is it telling you?
Mm-hmm.
, you know, maybe it's, I'm scared,
maybe it's, I don't know if I can
do this, whatever it is, but really
being like, okay, I see you and
seeing that part of you by actually
verbally acknowledging mm-hmm.
Okay.
I see you insert, you know,
emotion, feeling sensation right.
Of you.
Um, versus like you said earlier, you
know, pivoting to the positive too soon.
Abby: Right.
Right.
I started laughing or I I got an
idea when you were talking about like
how all of these beliefs are just
subscriptions and how, you know, there's
a, there's that app that I always
get, um, I always get it on Instagram.
That is a targeted ad to me where it's
like, hey, Here's just this one app
where you can go through all of your
subscriptions and like unsubscribe from,
you know, which ones you don't wanna be
paying for or like whatever, you know?
I'm like, wouldn't that be so nice
to just, just like have an app that's
like, hmm, do I wanna unsubscribe
from like all of these beliefs?
Yes.
We're just gonna like, click
that button off and then
that's done and let's move on.
. Oh, I wish it were,
Fallon Jaye: I wish it
weren't . I know, but the human
psyche is so much more complex.
,
Abby: it's so much more.
Oh my gosh, yes.
Um, so, oh, go ahead.
No, one thing I was gonna say too, um,
because I feel like we could go down in
this rabbit hole of talking about like
how to identify feelings and all of
that stuff, but I just, I was thinking
about, I mean, when we had had talked
about this theme of self-love and
talking about this, one of the things
that came up for me was, when I was
really, I even started with this journey.
Yeah, I was, I was, okay.
So I kind of started on my personal
development journey and I remember, um,
it was, I think Christmas night and I
was at my grandma's house and I remember,
and I just broken up with my, you know,
long-term boyfriend of five years.
And I remember just
laying in bed thinking to.
How, like silly things like, well,
whatever they are, what they are.
But thinking, oh my God, it's gonna be
like, am I ever gonna, am I ever going
to fall, like fall in love again and.
It was so much easier because I had
always, you know, when I was out, you
know, I'd be out or whatever without him.
And I feel like, you know how Gales
can just like tell if you have a
boyfriend and whenever you're like
with somebody else, that's like when
they flock to you and you're like,
no, no, I don't have, like, I don't
have time or space for you, whatever.
I'm with somebody else.
And then when, when you're single,
sometimes it can feel like.
Crickets.
Fallon Jaye: I know.
Yes.
I'm single right now.
And I, I would agree.
,
Abby: they're like, I'm feeling crickets.
So many crickets.
But they
Fallon Jaye: make beautiful music.
They do
.
Abby: Um, but I was thinking, I was
laying there thinking, oh my God,
how like it's so much easier to.
it's, it feels so much easier to find
love, like when you already have it, you
know, when you already have the thing.
It's so, it feels so much
easier to attract that.
And I got this voice in my head that
was just, you know, it wasn't mine.
It was, it was, I feel like the first
time you really heard, you know, voice
of intuition, voice of like angels
guides come in being like, but what if
you were the one who already loved you?
Because I was like, it's so
much easier when you already
have someone who loves you.
And they were like, well, what if you
were the one who already loved you?
And I was like, well, that
is a fucking novel concept.
Fallon Jaye: Well, what a mind bender.
. What?
I love this cause this goes into
the depths of self-love of where
are you looking for somebody
else to fulfill for you exactly
what you are not giving yourself.
Mm-hmm.
. And that is the creating the safety
within yourself of like, okay, I was.
Putting my power over here, my
energy over here and, and you know,
either subconsciously or outwardly
consciously blaming this person
for not being able to fulfill this.
But have I actually even
tried to give that to myself?
Exactly.
Abby: Mm-hmm.
, like so many, I think so many
women are oftentimes like, you
know, when it comes to dating or
it comes to being in relationships
and they're always so concerned.
How their partner's feeling about
something or if it's something that
their partner is gonna be okay with.
And, and I, you know, have to call it
back to, okay, it's great that you're,
that you're wanting to be a good partner
here, but what do you think about this?
Is this person, even the kind of
person that you wanna be with,
who cares if they, if they don't
like you, do you even like them?
Like, are they even the kind of
partner that you wanna be with?
Are they even.
Did they even have any or all of
the qualities or whatever, and
just taking it back to, okay, no,
what do I actually want for myself?
What am I looking to create
for myself in my life?
Not even just in relationships, but Yes.
With any relationship that
Fallon Jaye: you're in.
Yeah.
Relationship with job, with
money, with success, with career.
Yes.
All of friendships, sisterhoods.
Yeah.
And.
Am do I like who I have to be in
order to maintain this relationship?
Does it
Abby: exactly, am I making myself
small or, or am I making myself less?
Fallon Jaye: Yes.
And am I molding and I, and I am
I bending to try to understand to
become somebody different, you know?
and that that self betrayal becomes
really loud when you be, let yourself
be really honest and also let yourself
walk through the fires of potentially
being very alone for a while.
Yeah.
When you no longer allow yourself
to betray yourself, people will fall
away and it will get a little lonely.
Or, I don't even have to say I
don't, haven't experienced loneliness
in a long time as I've, you know,
walked through the fires of my
last 18 months of a lot of alone.
But it is a, there is a, an alone
energy around it, but not lonely because
the depths of which you hold yourself
in that sense, that real self-love,
like you and I are talking about.
Authentic, raw, unfiltered.
Mm-hmm.
self-love.
Straight from God, straight from
the earth, straight from, you know,
like there's, there's no cleaning
it up because it's so raw that,
that, that loneliness dissipates.
But it is, you know, it's a journey of
like, okay, some fire, you know, some
things are getting burnt down or a lot of
Abby: things.
Well, and you know, like you're
saying, people will fall away.
You will actually find yourself
probably maybe for the first time, Hmm.
Price.
So it might feel, I don't know, it
might feel lonely as if the people
who are not really meant to be in
your circle are no longer there.
And that is a different kind of
discomfort because as part of the
human experience, we wanna be social
and part of groups and part of things.
And it's not saying that you need to like
get rid of all of your friends, it's.
God again, like back to boundaries,
like holding, holding the, you know,
your circle open for only the people
of the highest, like who are gonna
help you and you help them be kind
of the best versions of yourself.
Yes.
And putting yourself in
relationship to people only
with like the highest standards.
Yes.
In that.
Fallon Jaye: and recognizing when
you, when you do feel that distortion
that, that, you know, that messy,
that kind of muddy energy mm-hmm.
, it doesn't mean the other person or
experience is bad, it's just Right.
Not, it's just not meshing with your
reality, your experience, and the
way that your soul would like it too.
Mm-hmm.
, you know, but it's like I.
, you know, I met you right bef right
before kind of du like at the very
beginning of so much of my life burning
down and losing a lot of people.
And so I wanna remind people too, that
like as things are burning and as you
mm-hmm are unwilling to betray yourself.
And your truth, and you're willing to
walk through the, that forest solo.
You find other people, you know, like
my Abby, you know, you find these
people that are like, Hey, do you
mind if I walk with you for a while
and let's talk about the flowers and
the birds and oh man, there, it's the
whole forest step here burnt down.
You're like, yeah.
You know, so it's like you find.
Or they're delivered to you.
You don't even find them.
They're there, you know, they're, they've
been on the path all along waiting for
you to take that right or that left on
the, on the path that is really of your.
Your highest, healthiest good.
It's just right.
Leaving behind the comfort zone in order
to do to, to become that and to walk that.
Abby: Right.
And you know, again, this could be, well
this will be a whole other podcast just
on energetics of things, but it's like
when you're the energetic of who you're
holding space for, who you're holding.
Like the energetic of the
blueprint of the kind of person
that you'll allow into your field.
Mm-hmm.
those people will then start to come
into your field and other people will
just naturally fall away because you
just don't have, you don't have space
in, in your zone for them anymore.
Yeah.
And it just is how it is.
And it
Fallon Jaye: becomes less about them
being bad or good and just more, yeah.
Okay.
That's
Abby: different.
Not, not for.
May, and maybe they served you well
and taught you a lesson at some point
in your life, and then you get to
move on and you both get to move on.
Fallon Jaye: Yeah.
And also I'm not for them and that doesn't
make me bad or better or worse or anything
where Yeah, it's just, it just is.
Yeah.
And you know, also when you personalize
it, it's another layer of self-love
of like, okay, I'm personalizing this.
How can I pull back my projections or
whatever I'm feeling and and nurture
what I most need, but it really becomes
this beautiful trust of life leading.
Mm-hmm.
bring you exactly what you need, when you
need it, who you need, all of the things.
And your job is to continually tune into
yourself, nurture yourself, and take
Abby: the next step.
Yeah.
And create the standards around
what you are available for.
Yes.
And those of experiences
are then going to.
You'll be guided to, they'll be
delivered to you and you'll go for it.
Fallon Jaye: Decide
over and over, you know?
Mm-hmm.
, I mean,
Abby: it's not
Fallon Jaye: a one time decision.
No, you, we have to have to decide
again, like, okay, this is my okay.
Because just because we create
a standard and a boundary.
We're then going to get the
opportunity to, to, that's it.
Become who we said we were becoming.
Yeah.
Right.
And so that is like sitting in the
discomfort of like, this has to be a
no, because I know that this crosses the
boundaries, but it's really uncomfortable.
Mm-hmm.
. So we get opportunities to, to
fall back into old patterns.
And it doesn't make us right or wrong, it
just gives us more practice or, or send
the discomfort of like, oh, okay, this
is, I'm no longer available for this.
And so if I say yes to this,
then I'm sending mixed messages
not only to myself, but to.
the world and mm-hmm.
, we get to decide.
Abby: Yeah.
And taking it back to our original topic
of self left , I mean, this is, I feel
like the true depths of what it means
in reality is choosing every day who
you wanna be, what you're available for.
That regardless of like how it all goes,
you are gonna sit, sit with yourself, love
yourself, nurture yourself through it.
Even if.
You fuck it up because we all do.
We're all gonna like, do stupid shit.
And, and is it stupid?
It might feel stupid to your human
brain, but maybe it was the lesson
you needed to learn and just like
allowing all of the things to flow
through you and you to flow through
it while continually making the choice
of what you want and who you wanna be.
Fallon Jaye: Yes.
And and yeah.
And choosing.
Yeah.
And that's not bad.
No.
Like keeping yourself is so good.
.
Abby: So good.
So good.
, so good.
And it's just
Fallon Jaye: uncomfortable
in the beginning.
And it's still uncomfortable.
I mean, there's times that, that even
now I'm like, oh, this feels a little
bit, you know, quote unquote selfish.
But is this what's going to fill my
cup to be able to then fill others?
Exactly.
Um, and if the answer is yes, then
it is no longer self selfish from it.
The negative way that we've learned
of the definition of selfish,
you know, it's, it's selfish.
It's actually really nurturing.
So then I have my natural nurture
in me, doesn't feel empty.
My natural nurturer actually
gets to expand and like water.
All the things around me from a place of.
Oh my God, this is so joyful.
Exactly.
I was like, joy.
Yeah.
This is my natural state.
You know?
Whereas if I just, if we don't
listen, we're, we're really doing
it from the emptiness that we know.
That creates resentment and
there's a whole ripple effect and
just an opportunity for us to get
back in alignment if we fall back
into those pleasing patterns.
But yeah, you know, I think you
and I are making it really clear
that we could just talk about this
subject for like five more episodes.
. I
Abby: know I just had
a vision of you just.
Like kind of, um, walking, not even
walking, but like skipping around like
a yard with like a watering can and just
like, just watering little like sparkles
of water on like different areas of your
life and different people and being like,
see, and this is what it looks like.
This is great.
You know, graphic gonna just
let it spray all over myself
and then I'm gonna fill it up.
I water everything around
Fallon Jaye: me.
I like that visual though.
It's true.
You know?
It's true.
Yeah.
That's the way it gets to be.
Abby: It is.
So I think this was a.
A good, um, pretty good take,
Fallon Jaye: take off point of self
I'm just getting started.
Abby: It's a good takeoff on this.
And we've dived into several other
topics that we can go into in more depth.
Fallon Jaye: Yeah.
But I think that, you know, the
foundations of what it is are obviously
very covered in this, in this episode.
And so, you know, let us know.
Share with us like what are your favorite.
Ways to practice self-love or what have
you learned about yourself in the process.
And also if you'd like to hear more, you
know, drop us talk, what you wanna hear
and talk about and want us to go deeper
Abby: into.
Yeah.
And if you wanna share your journey
with it, we'd love to hear it too.
Yes,
Fallon Jaye: absolutely.
Abby: So, okay, well this is so much
fun, , and we'll talk to you soon.
